Crown of Druthal, Chap. 1-5

[MR Maresca]

I've reworked the first five chapters on Crown of Druthal, so any further comments would be appreciated. I'll put up more once I get over the hump that is reworking Chapter Six, which is major reconstructive surgery....

[drager]

Okayee . . . I'll try to do comments on your first page. Although, me eyes are already starting them wine-induced wandering, ya know. Hopefully, there'll still be some sense in some of my rambling, maybe, but probably not too much.

-- First line, a line of dangling dialogue.

Yup. Me usually don't like them too much. First of all, the submissions in aspiring writers' queues all over the place, many of them start out with a dangling line of dialogue. So, starting one's own submission like that is probably not a good thing. imo.

Also, a bunch of agent and editor blogs, maybe a year ago, had posts on how they didn't much care to see a submission start out that way. I kinda agree with them, kinda whole-heartedly.

To start a story with a hanging line of dialogue, that sentence has to do a lot of work. A lot. The contents of that dialogue has to hint at the speaker, like is the speaker a man, woman, and has to indicate a relationship between the speaker and the speakee, and the sentence has to hook the reader and drag him in so he's gotta see the next line. That's a lot. And seldom works. And usually just sends the reader to look for the next submission, imo.

(Yeah, I've seen some how-to-write books (written by creative writing instructors) and blogs (most of them by aspiring writers) that say, Start with dialogue for a beginning with punch! . . . yeah. right. Especially for fantasy. Oh, the speaker was a one-eyed dragon? Oh.)

Now with your first line of “My father wants a word with you, Augustine.” the reader has to do some work to figure a bit out about this setting.
-- Okay, I'll assume a couple is lying in bed, after doing "the act." . . . and the woman is staring at the ceiling, while the pov character guy is resting to go to sleep. And then the woman says that line of dialogue.
-- And because the woman is using the guy's name, that this is not a good thing, not for the guy.
-- But this is all guess work, and I'd had to stop and really think about this. I don't think that is what you want a reader to do.
-- And this here city is Austin, so the couple might not be a woman and a man. *no comment* Ya know what assumptions can get ya? Busted one grade and loss of two months pay. Wait, ya wouldn't know what I'm mumbling about, or shouldn't.

So I, as the reader, have no idea of the setting. Actually, what is the "genre"?

Did the pov character speak that dialogue, or was that dialogue spoken to the pov character?

What is the story POV? Is it 1st person, or 3rd limited, or omniscient?
I'd assume that it isn't omniscient since the narrator hasn't been introduced right away. (But then, we all know what assumptions had gotten me--stuck in Austin.)

-- 2nd line, which is the start of the 2nd paragraph: The hairs on the back of Augustine Montrose’s neck stood on end.

Repetition on the guy's name "Augustine" is rather jarring, imo. And this seems to be a rather melodramatic way to start the scene because the reader doesn't know why Augustine is fearing so. So that tends to distance the reader from the pov character, which is sorta opposite of what I think the writer was intending to accomplish with this sentence.

I'd suggest that the writer first get the reader inside the pov character's head, to see what he thought, or feared, when he heard a woman--yes, a woman said this? and are they in bed together?--say this. Like, did the memory of his last conversation with her dad flash across his mind: You touch my little princess with any of your vulgar body parts, and my crew's gonna to shave off your nasties, ya understand, cupcake?

The thing is, nothing has been set in the setting to help the reader put stuff into context.

-- 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: That was the first thing Alana Tull said when he entered the High River Wine Club, and there was no way it could be a good thing.

Unclear "That": What did Alan Tull say? Did Alana say the 2nd sentence in the story, or did Alana say the 1st line (the dialogue)? Or did Alana happened to have said the same thing that the woman had said, and that they are two different characters?

When I first read this sentence, I thought Alana was the "he" that entered the club. Not what you wanted, right?

After having reread these first couple of sentences, I'm thinking that what had happened was that Augustine walked into the bar, then Alana (a woman) said that line of dialogue. In which case, perhaps insert that missing "had" into ". . . Alana Tull said when he *had* entered . . ." and some people might wanna see a 2nd "had" too.

Actually, I'd prefer that all the stuff be unwound and straightened out. Do the stuff in chronologic order, that will make things simpler and less confusing. E.g., Augustine enters the bar. The sweet babe behind the counter says the line of dialogue. Augustine remembers what her dad said to him. He pees down his leg and into his boot. etc. -- Yeah, I know, not your story. Wait, that happened to me when I was a young-un a long time ago. *sad*

nit: In this sentence, the word "thing" is used twice, and I don't think you were trying to do that for a rhetorical effect.

-- 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence.
I thought it sounded somewhat stilted, e.g., "whom," "occasionally found," and the last clause.

-- Overall, the 2nd paragraph seems to be trying too hard to quickly set the setting, which it does through statically telling the info, instead of weaving it in as Augustine and Alana dynamically interact in the scene.

-- The two main characters' names start with the same character "A." Usually, it is kinda suggested that the main characters start with different letters . . .

-- The name "Alana Tull" is given twice, via two adjacent sentences. Better to do that only once. Also, using full names like that in the beginning can tend to stiffen the opening. imo.

-- 3rd paragraph. It seems to be exposition to infodump to the reader.

-- When Augustine is walking away from Alana and going toward the back of the club, I still don't have a grasp of the setting. Were Augustine and Alana both at a table? Or was Alana behind the bar?

-- Lack of pronouns. Since Alana is a woman, and Augustine is a guy, then try to drop into using pronouns as they tends to make the reader feel more cozy.

-- Ooh, ooh! Why not start near here: . . . she said. “So I guess now you’ll be starting to think about marriage.”
To me, that's where the fireworks are starting.
And then you can weave in the details of the setting as the guy's eyes are darting nervously around the wine club, and he's stuttering for time to think. And what delicious thoughts he'll be thinking, and the reader will be experiencing them thoughts of his as he's sweating the big one.


This is probably enough of me for one post, don't ya agree?

General comments:
I'd suggest you try to start the scene closer to where the tension or fireworks are at, and around those lines of prose, weave in the setting. But don't give any details of backstory or history of any of the characters, not unless it naturally fits in. For if that bit of backstory ain't necessary for that scene, then it shouldn't be there. imo. Or, move the bits of his backstory with his "Letters of Mastery" to after her line of getting married. Like, he could stutter, and then she could bring up that he's now graduated with them Letters so there's no need to wait any longer. And he stutters some more. Ya see?

(Dang, if I could only figure out how to do that with my wip. *cry, cry* )

Good luck!

[indiataylor]

I will read yours too this week. Thanks for reading mine!